In about a month, almost two, I get to celebrate 30 years of a blessed life! It’s strange how the dawning of a new decade brings on reflections of the past. How each new era brings on a new perspective.
When I look back at the last 30 years I am amazed at all that I have been blessed with. My husband is a man of strength and integrity who loves me wholly, even if I’m pouting about something ridiculous or being dragged into the depths of depression! I have four kiddos who amaze me daily with their hilarious personalities, intense views of life, strong sense of justice, constant quibbles with each other and their loving kindness that overflows. I am blessed to have friends that accept me and laugh with me regardless of where I am. My family has been supportive and present showing us what love and forgiveness truly means. I feel as though I have accomplished so much in 30 years, yet it has only been in the last few years where I have grown to accept myself for who God made me.
As the new girl I grew up always trying to fit in. Hiding my true personality and giving glimpses to the few who dared to dig deeper. Fighting myself over what I wanted vs what I thought I should want. It’s been a struggle that I’ve battled since elementary school. Junior high and high school only worsened the case making me a complete mess by the time I reached college.
Questioning who I am and what I wanted made picking a major difficult, so difficult that I changed my major 7 times in my first two years. I’m indecisive, passionate and I love learning. It was true then and still is today. How do you choose just one love? Just one passion? I devour information about cultures, past and present… So how do I choose just one to get a degree in? Then there’s the what are you going to do with that humanities degree… Wow that one was hard! I wanted to be a lawyer, a professor, an archeologist, I wanted to research and explore humanity and its evolution!
What I really wanted was it all! I still do. I wanted to be married, to be a stay at home mom with four kids… And a fulfilling career filled with research and analysis. I wanted to be a crazy rebel child and Mrs. Beaver while still enjoying the things I love, like video games and science fiction/fantasy. I’ve always had a wild streak, I’ve always thought outside of the box, I’ve always been different. Somehow I associated all of that with being wrong. I had this image that in order to be right, to be normal, I needed to be someone else.
I was wrong. Apparently that happens often, yet I’m only now becoming aware of it. Look at that crazy looking little guy. He’s weird. Some might say he’s ugly. He eats my garden. Yet he is here as a part of a perfect design! God made each of us for a distinct purpose. We are all different and normality is a lie we tell ourselves is essential. Now that I’m on the cusp of 30 I am actually understanding who I am. If I want a tattoo no one can tell me differently, it’s my decision. If I dye my hair purple it’s my decision. If I homeschool my children in a radical way, it’s my decision. Naysayers will always be there, negativity will always have its place but I am strong through Christ who strengthens me and I don’t have to bow to the blowing of the wind.
It’s time for me to embrace myself. To accept that I am who I am because the creator of the almighty stars in heaven wanted me to be who I am. Because I have three girls who need to grow up seeing the beauty of being different, of being themselves. Because I have a son who needs to know that being true to yourself and the God who created you is the best super power you can have! So I’m not afraid of what’s to come, I don’t fear my own mortality, I embrace the tiger stripes across my soft belly. I accept that my role at this point in life is to spark the fire of knowledge and curiosity within my children. My passions have a place, my love of learning has a place… I was made for this, I was prepared to be here. I am ready for a new decade so bring it on!