This is an experiment. Homemaking, Homeschooling, Blogging, Writing…
A social experiment that I am testing on myself.
An Experiment on Balance. Oh, that elusive concept that I struggle with so very deeply on a regular basis.
I would like to think that Balance and I engage in epic battles. Clashing swords and wearing chain mail as a Majestic Dragon (her name is Life) soars overhead burning us all in its wake.
If not, than the war is waged solely in my head and then I am just fighting with myself constantly (that makes me feel a bit unscrewed so I will pretend the former occurs, its more grandiose).
I never feel adequate. Put together. Or like I am doing enough.
I have a list…
I am quite sure that all women do, regardless of their roles or outwardly appearances.
I’m willing to share mine for one simple fact…this list doesn’t define me
(“grace y’all” as my lovely Sister in law would say)
I am not who this list says I am, I am so much more… but that’s not the topic for this post so movin’ along!
As a woman:
I am lazy. It’s a running joke between my husband and I. I am simultaneously hard working and focused yet unable to get a simple to do list finished or even remember where that to do list is.
I am forgetful. I often tell my children that we will try out an experiment later or research an idea later on only to completely forget. Or completely forget that I put a load in the washing machine before bed on Tuesday and on Thursday need to re-wash that same load… and in a bad month again two more times at separate intervals in a month.
As a Mom:
I yell too much. I am an impatient person and I yell when I get frustrated or I do the opposite and I shut down.
As a Wife:
I am selfish.
no explanation needed, just purely selfish. I will totally drink the last can of soda while DH is at work or complain when I finally sit down and he asked for a glass of water (he is usually the one who will get up without questions to get me the same glass though if I ask).
As a Homemaker:
I am inconsistent at best.
I menu plan and then ignore the menu. I make everything homemade in a week and then don’t do it again for several months. I keep the kitchen clean for a few days and then its a wreck for a week.
You get the gist… inconsistent.
As a Homeschooler:
All of those things are magnified as a homeschooler. All of them.
As a Blogger:
I am a total NEWB! I am trying to figure out how this works? What is my style? I am in no way trying to be a Pro Blogger but I do want to put forth my best but not in a lets cover everything up kind of way because whats the point of that? I am still trying to figure out that pesky little subject I ignored in school: Grammar. Yeah, that decision came and bit me in the rear!
Yo, Balance? What’s up?
What’s a girl gotta do to get you on her side?
Does it matter if I “succeed” or are you one of those “work in progress” things? You know, the ones where people look like they’ve figured it all out but really they are still just trying to make it through the day or week alive?
Are you “buddy, buddy” with anyone or just the best friend everyone wants and no one has?
“Well, do ya? punk?”
(yeah I totally quoted Dirty Harry…and you are totally thinking it in that uber raspy Clint Eastwood voice, aren’t ya?)
Any how, back to me.
Here’s what I am starting to figure out.
1) Balance is not something I have or don’t have.
Sure I can balance a scale but life is messy and all this balancing wears me out! What if balance is a frame of mind not a state of being? Because when it is a state of being I am saying that a+b+c must be on one side and e+f+g must be on the other, but what happens when a project shows up, or a child is sick, or life goes berserk? Have I now lost my balance? What if instead I look at it as a frame of mind. Instead of saying I need less of this and more of that I look at it as a sliding scale that is ever changing in the face of the obstacles that appear before me.
2) I gotta be gracious with the grace.
I HAVE to look at my flaws with Grace. I have to, or my perfectionism will tear me to shreds. Those flaws are still there and I am working on being a better person so that my flaws don’t overshadow my strengths. It is a work in progress, but that is not going to stop me from seeing the accomplishments and strengths that show so brightly to others (thank you LORD for giving me people that force me to shine my light on myself sometimes!).
So yes, I am selfish, but I’m also empathetic. Yes I am inconsistent but I am also ready to try new things. Yes I am a novice, but I have been given a gift of research and a love of learning. I may be lazy, I may have a short fuse and I may be forgetful but my unconditional love is apparent through my actions and daily sacrifices that I make for my family and everyday I stand up and try again.
So, Balance how about a chat over some Tea in stead of an epic battle next week?
After all Life is a journey, not a teleportation to the end…
that would make for a horrible story… let’s read it together.