Right now I am existing to create, write, and read.
I have been lost in the creation of a new world for about 6 months but I am not purely writing at all times. I have been pulled into reading fiction of all sorts as I try to figure out how the images and concepts that are taking over my mind can be organized and laid out. I draw people and landscapes whenever I have down time, even if they are rough and unfinished.
It is an obsession that I can not rid myself of nor can I control. I have no interest, drive or sense of responsibility when it comes to the mundane parts of life… like going to the bathroom, washing dishes, doing laundry, or cooking.
My internal clock is shot to hell. I go through bouts of insomnia where I live for weeks at a time off of 2-3 hours of sleep and do not feel tired followed by weeks of time where I want to sleep all day and live off of caffeine and chocolate. I can not sleep between 8 pm and 2 am and when I do sleep my dreams are live action movies that drive this make believe world that flows from my fingertips.
It is intense and insane. I sometimes feel like I am loosing my mind but I am not ready to give this up. The last time I was so driven was 9 years ago, when I was juggling Grad School, teaching full time at a middle school, and enjoying life overseas. Some of my best memories come from the time I spent on that island so I know that it is good to be like this.
The hardest part of this is the balancing act.
Balancing my intensity with the needs of the people who rely on me. Its not a big deal if I forget to eat but it is a problem if I forget to feed my kids, not that they would ever let me forget but doing it before meltdown stage is a HUGE deal! I can easily lose myself in my work which would be great if my children were in school all day giving me time to focus, but they are not. I am responsible for their education and even if we unschool that doesn’t mean that I can’t be uninvolved… actually it means I need to be more involved. I can’t let them just laze about all day long. I have to grasp at teachable moments, join in conversations, offer up activities, and guide them towards their goals.
I wrote before about balancing and finding happy mediums but this is a different kind of balance. This is not balancing my responsibilities so much as balancing my own intensities and controlling how far I let my obsessions carry me. I do not recognize my need for control or balance on my own. I don’t realize the lack of balance until it’s too late. I mess up often and space out. I get lost in a book or manga and my husband has to remind me that they are still there too. I start writing and I forget about reality, until a crying child comes to tell me that they are hungry. I don’t do this on purpose, most times I don’t even realize that I do this at all. I become absent minded. I become disheveled and unorganized.
This year I forgot to decorate my house for fall. I didn’t realize that It had not been done until the Monday before Thanksgiving. That is a huge part of our family tradition. It is something we do every September! It may not seem like a big deal but it was a shock to me when I realized it.
I remembered my daughters birthday and my nephews birthday but forgot my own. My mom reminded me. I am not the kind of person who hates celebrating my birthday, I LOVE IT! I never forget and often I get excited about it a month before. Not this year.
I forgot to go shopping for Halloween candy. My husband picked up candy the day of and I made costumes the day of… I forgot about Halloween.
I forgot that I needed a ball gown for the Marine Corps Birthday Ball… I’ve been married to a Marine for 8 years, dated him a year before that and was a babysitter during ball season every year before that since I was 12! Ball season has been a part of my life every November for as long as I can remember and I forgot about the Ball until the three days before, when my mother asked if she was babysitting our children.
I do not have this balance thing down. I cannot control my intensities. I can’t stop this obsession. I need more. I’m addicted to the written word. I am an absent minded writer. Or at least I have become one. The further into the story I have written the worse it has become.
I am no less dedicated to homeschooling.
I love my children no less.
I am not giving up on anything that truly holds importance for me, but to say that I have it all under control is a lie. I can’t keep up the fun superficial stuff when I’m in this kind of go mode. I have to work my tail off just trying to force myself to control my obsession while my children are awake so that I can let loose after bedtime. When my husband is home we share responsibilities and he understands that even though I’m sitting in the midst of everyone, I am sometimes not really there. He is ok with that. I am not ignoring him, or them and he knows that. This was how he met me, this is the side of me he fell in love with… in a way it’s like I am finally back to normal.
My house won’t grace the cover of Home and Gardens magazine. I may not be called out as Parent of the year. I may not look like a “typical” stay at home, homeschooling mom, or military wife… I don’t need it to be. I’m not typical. I break through stereotypes. I’m different. I’m weird. I’m unbalanced.
WooHoo for me and my Normal!
My kids are just like me and they have their moments of insanity too. They also get wrapped up in things and forget to pee. They also get lost in a game and can’t hear outside conversations… or directions. We all get sidetracked easily. It may seem insane. It may be intense. However, for us, this is completely Normal.