I don’t recognize the woman I have become. I am not complaining, but I don’t know where this woman in the mirror came from.
Early Mornings. Choosing to wake up before my children and doing it so often that I no longer need an alarm, even if I’m in bed at 1am.
Choosing not to listen to Music or watch TV, and when I do it has become documentaries and musicals. I mean I have my list of things to watch but it is woefully out of date.
Reading historical documents, political theory, articles on International Relations theory, Philosophy, Psychology, Theology, and pre-1900 classics instead of Parenting Articles, fractured pieces of books I’ve wanted to read that still sit in piles all over my house, Manga (my serialized manga backload is in the hundreds of chapters), Webtoons, and Children’s Novels (well I still read these, but they are outloud and to a captivated audience, with voices).
None of this is a part of how I have framed myself over the years. In my own mind I have spent years searching for who I am and where I am going. Never quite knowing if I was there yet. Loving and accepting some parts of myself but knowing that other parts needed to grow up some more with no idea of how to get to that place of “grown up” me. I had peace in my Faith. I had peace in my Father’s plan, or rather that there was a plan for me but I didn’t know what the plan was and so I was always on the move. Always searching. For, me.
I knew who I was and could define who I was and what I stood for at any given moment, but I knew I wasn’t “there” yet. There was this picture in my mind of this mom that I wanted to be, this woman that I wanted to be and I wasn’t there yet. I am still not there yet. But the woman now, who tells her kids to do their independent reading for the next twenty minutes together so that mommy can read this piece of Plato, is a whole lot closer to that mental image than I ever was before.
After we received our diagnoses, and after I started working, things shifted in a way that I could have never imagined. I never imagined that adding more to my plate would make me a better mom, but it does.
Getting a chance to study big ideas, share the thoughts of great thinkers and challenge minds to a wider world than they could have imagined makes me feel alive, and purposed. I knew that I was doing all of that for my children as well, but it is different and it has nothing to do with the paycheck. Working with my children is being with and spreading my love for them but they are still young, so the ideas that we get to discuss and play with are not at the same level as the ideas that I bring to my classrooms. At home we study the American Revolution and we talk about freedom as an abstract idea. We talk about the founding fathers and they are people from story books and in museums or volunteers dressed up at events. At work we talk about The American Revolution and we discuss the idea of tyranny. Of a voice being unheard and injustice that is so rampant that men are willing to undergo frostbite and hunger to fight it. It is the look in an adults face as they begin to understand an argument that is so different from what they believe from a purely openminded place. When a 19 year old student reads a quote from a 400 year old author and says “damn, thats deep” and you know you just hit them with something that they will internalize into the fabric of their very personality that they may not have even heard otherwise.
Knowing that my work has this kind of greater purpose pushes me to make sure that not only my work is done, but it pushes me to make sure that my children are getting even more of me than my students do. I spend less time on my phone. Not being home two mornings a week and having several times during the week when I must work from home forces me to be really present when I am home. I bake more. I read more. I play with them more. Loosing two school days to teaching and driving means that the rest of our days are more purposeful in their actions. I have become a much better homeschooler and a much better mom because I don’t have the ability to just do it later- there is no later in this fast paced world, well, at least not until the term is over.
I have a confession to make. This new woman staring back at me is no good with multi-tasking. I can’t grade papers and listen to the made up stories of my five year old. I can’t keep up with the dishes/laundry and keep our records up to date. I cannot drive 2.5 hours two times a week to teach and do math every single day- if I do it all traditionally. I am not Superwoman. I don’t do it all, all the time. I take turns. I have off days. I stick to a sort of a schedule (GASP!) – ok, maybe I went to far there, its not a schedule, its a rhythm based on days…so it’s like a loose schedule…but if you’ve read my past posts, can you believe it? ME? A SCHEDULE of any sort?
So, lady staring back at me, who looks like me, but doesn’t act, like me… I don’t know who you are. I don’t know where you came from. I don’t know if these early mornings are good or bad yet, but I like you. I’ll make you a cup of Tea, why don’t you stay a while? Help me get to point where we actually fold the laundry and catch up on all of that manga too… after all, I’m growing up, not changing who I really am.